Honestly, for the past week now I don’t think I have ever tried to smile so hard in my life. Everyday seriously is shit and I can’t even think anymore. I feel brain dead and so numb that it is not even funny anymore. I have no emotions towards my family, I try really hard to be “giddy” around my friends but I just shake this sad cloud off of me. I’m not okay and I don’t even know what to do anymore. What pisses me off is when people think they know what happened or they get in between it, well back the fuck off because you obviously have no idea what is going on or why or who or what or when. You don’t know how I feel, NO CLUE. It’s not fair to me to have to watch certain things right before my eyes after what happened. Like this is not okay, nothing is anymore. I’m in such a blank state of mind and I never in my life have been like this before. I think because I have had so many people leave me without ever giving me that one chance that I have decided that I will never be good enough to meet anyone’s expectations. I am just little old me. The girl that is too nice to stick up for herself, and the girl lets people get away with doing whatever they want to her. I am DONE with being that girl. I am tired of being stepped on like I am nothing. Because I am not just nothing, I am something. I guess what I am just trying to say here is that it felt nice to have something that made me smile so carelessly… Then right before your eyes, out of no where it vanishes and there is literally nothing you can do to get it besides wait. But the thing is, I can’t wait if I am going to be the only one who is bending back just to break. I am already broken.
Love scares me.
Ever get that flushed feeling in your face when you are talking to a guy about some of your most person life impacts? Well… Yeah, this happened. Sometimes, I really do feel so hopeless. I just want someone I can laugh with and share these personal experiences of mine with. Someone who believes in me, as much as I believe in them. God, in my dreams this will happen how I have it laid how in my head.
I’m really thankful for having many people in my life that are so supportive. They are the ones who see me more than just an “underdog”. I love each and every one of those people too. :]